Divisions & Internet Cruelty...

This is what I wrote on another gal's blog in response to a blog she wrote. I wanted to share it here because I think, I hope, that I wrote my thoughts about the matter well.

Here it is:

Hi!! I am so glad you wrote this. I am so happy to have the opportunity to respond to you. I hope this is okay.

You wrote, "I remember when Tulin first posted her info on the mom's list. She sent us an email saying that she was leaving PCOSA. I guess if I were running things over at PCOSA, I probably would have emailed the group later, and explained that, "Yes, its official, she did leave the orgnization; however, we still love her," or something--things were just kind of left hanging, in my tiny opinion."

I think that what happened was Tulin was crushed by a combination of factors and she was being very open and honest by posting everything she said. Tulin has no desire to hurt the PCOSA in anyway. She wishes us well and she is still helping us a bit here and there. She has absolutely no ill will for the organization... I can promise that. But, that one post sort of looked like it perhaps. She actually has a bigger heart for helping women with PCOS than pretty much anyone else I have ever met... she is real. But she felt she had to move on and do that elsewhere. And I respect her for that.

I probably should have responded to that post but at the time I was in the same whirlwind she was in and didn't know what to do... It was a tough situation.

Part of what happened was Tulin was visciously attacked on forums - not only other forums but on the PCOSA forums. And we didn't know what to do because at every turn we were being accused of censoring people and all kinds of evil. So... we tried to let people express themselves as much as possible but what happened was it hurt Tulin deeply... and she ended up feeling like the organization that she was making great sacrifices for was not standing behind her and was not standing up for her. This was NOT our intention as moderators of the forum but it all just worked out... well, not great.

If you know me you know that not only have I never allowed people to be attacked as members of our community but I have always held to the idea that people do NOT attack volunteers publically. Well... I somewhat allowed Tulin to be attacked. It was very poor judgment on my part. I was very torn between letting people speak and trying to keep the peace and not let Tulin get hurt... I failed miserabley. She was torn apart and, as you read, very very upset.

If you know anything about how protective we feel about people who help us, such as a doctor who saved our lives or perhaps a friend who you love dearly, then you may understand also how Tulin felt when she watched as Mr. Stoakes got ripped apart on our forums. He saved her life... she has stated that many times... and she was the one who the PCOSA sent out to put him under scrutiny. He passed Tulin's "test" and she proceeded with "allowing" him into the PCOSA. Much to her dismay, he was treated horribly. And she felt responsible for introducing him to it all.

About the divisions... they have always been there. We, as moderators, have just done a better job of controlling them in the past. Think about the hot buttons... metformin while pregnant or breastfeeding, breastfeeding period, how to discipline our children, heck the whole Terri Schaivo thing.... The only difference is, those things are better handled by people like ME, and they went away. Things go in cycles. But this New Dawn thing is HUGE, and it's not going away. It is taking time to see how people do on it and what not. It isn't a fad thing... it is staying... and so people continue to debate it. It is a hot button issue that isn't dying down. But, it will. Just give it a little time and have faith that we will get things under control at some point in time hopefully SOON.

I am just wondering if you recall at all how nasty people were about Dr. Glueck once upon a time... And now no one has a bad word to say about him. It was just another one of those things.

"Then, for those of us on the outside of this 'New Dawn' thing---well, I went to all of your blogs and read about "meanies" and "uglies" etc--I got the feeling that everyone was divided into two cliques--the "New Dawn" crowd, and the rest of us."

Well... there is a division but it is not the New Dawn crowd and the non-New Dawn crowd. It is more like the people who can be nice and respectful and those who seem to have a hard time with that... There are people out there who have been cruel, absolutely horrible... and they are who I don't appreciate. If you do or don't agree with A New Dawn has nothing to do with it. But if you can be kind and respectful about HOWEVER you feel... that is so important. And, people are often times more able to just let go and say whatever they want, however they want, when they don't have to look into the eyes of the person they're hurting. It is a sad reality about the internet.

This also is not new. You said you liked when I was moderating. I can't tell you how many times I walked away in tears at how mean people could be. We are a tough community (meaning women with PCOS). We have been hurt. We have been mistreated. And when it comes to the internet, it is just all too easy to let the anger go on whoever is there.

"I guess I also just don't understand why people can't be sketical about "The New Dawn" and still be loved."

People are still loved and we welcome skeptisism. What we don't welcome is name calling, bashing, harrassing, and complete disrespect. It has nothing to do with being skeptical. I believe that people SHOULD be skeptical. And they should base their decisions on facts, like reading the information and not falling into the bunch who just spread misinformation like wildfire and jump on the bandwagon of bashing others. Do you know what I mean? I actually still love even those who are really nasty about it... Because I know that they are hurting and I know why. And My heart goes out to them. However, at some point, we have to face the idea that we can't save everyone and we can't drown ourselves trying or we won't be here for those who need us and want us.

"I probably should't have blogged about any of this--I may get "both sides" mad at me, but I just want the two sides to dissolve, and for all of us to come together again--can't we get passed this? Aren't women with PCOS strong, intelligent, loving women? Am I asking too much to ask everyone to get along?"

No, you're not asking too much... you're being open and honest and I respect that SO MUCH!!! I think we all want the same things. But there are people out there with intentions of doing nothing but tearing others down, especially those who are helping and receiving help... and having success. It is human nature. It is sad, but it is the way humans are many times. Anyone who has great success gets hurt by others. Even people who lose weight via diet or gastric bypass. people often times will talk about them behind their backs and say that they have changed and gotten snotty or something. Most of the time... the truth is that the inside of the person did not change but their friends got jealous of their success and the back biting began.

It is just human nature. And, it will get better. Just please hang in there and keep on talking :) The tides will change and things will heal... it just takes a little time.

BLESSINGS ~
Tarra