Maternity Clothes, Infertility, Parenthood
My mother-in-law took me shopping for my birthday (my birthday was in August but everyone has been sooooo busy......). She bought me two maternity outfits. COOLLLLLLL! We also ran into my sister at the mall. First time I have seen her since she lost all her hair (from chemo). She was bald, but very upbeat and really seemed to be doing good! Also, my dad is home from the hospital now. I guess they still don't know what all happened, but, he is doing okay at the moment so they sent him home for now.
I am getting excited to be pregnant... the nausea is starting to get better as is the exhaustion. So that is really helping. I also found out just a couple days ago that my best friend, who has PCOS and has struggled with infertility for years now, is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! She is due a full two months after me. How awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is amazing how hard infertility can be. My best friend has no children yet. She and her husband are Godparents to my kids. But none of their own until...... June of 06!!! Compare her infertility to mine... I am going to have six kids! I think the difference for me was that I started trying to conceive when I was only 22. I still had to take clomid to ovulate for my first 3. Then Glucophage for the next 2. So all 5 of my children were conceived with the help of ovulation stimulating medication. Without the miracles of modern medicine, I would very likely have NO children. My husband and I were together for several years (since I was 18) and never, ever, one time did we use or take birth control. But then I never had periods so, I figured I was infertile. Back then it made all the joy of young, passionate love all that much more fun. Anyway, with this baby I was taking vitamin C and following A NEW DAWN... so on one hand I can say I was on nothing but on the other, if not for A NEW DAWN, I may not be pregnant right now....... who knows?
You know what is funny is people will tell me that I have not struggled with infertility. I get that alot from people who don't have any idea what all we've been through or from people who went through "more" to conceive their child or children. I can totally understand people feeling that I have struggled less in that area, but to say that someone who does not ovulate and never has, without the help of some medication, didn't go through infertility.... well..... that is just silly. Some people are really sad because they want more children, or a child period...... and through their pain they do not see that though I am incredibly blessed today, I also faced having no children, or not as many as I wanted to have.
In a way, it is like someone telling me that my children are not as valuable since I have more than the average mom. I just don't see how these things can be measured. I wanted every single one of my babies. I have two angels in heaven (miscarriage) who I would LOVE to have in my arms... I want them ALL. Every one of them is precious and valued beyond what I could put into words.
Then there are the occasional people who will attack me from ANY aspect. Tear me down however they can. Including to tell people that I am a liar because I did not deal with infertility. Thank goodness that those who have such cold hearts are so few.
My overall experience with people has been very very warm. I have dealt with guilt over my success in the area of fertility, because I work with women who want ONE child, or have one but want one more and are not having success trying. I see their pain and my heart goes out to them. I feel guilty because God has blessed me so much.
I have felt that a lot with my best friend. But she is the most wonderful person and she KNOWS me, and she knows my kids, and she always tells me that I was meant to have all my kids - I was meant to have a BIG family. She loves my family and she is always happy for me 100%. She never compares or says she feels bad that I have kids and she doesn't. She even asked me, a couple weeks before I found out I was pg this time, if I was having another baby. She said she was dreaming about me having one more baby and she KNEW I was going to. A few weeks later, I found out I was. She was not at all surprised. She knew. And, she is thrilled.
Of course she is even more thrilled now that we are going to be pg together!!!!! And so am I!!
My kids mean the world to me. I cannot ever put into words how much gratitude I have in my heart for the gifts I have been given.
I am getting excited to be pregnant... the nausea is starting to get better as is the exhaustion. So that is really helping. I also found out just a couple days ago that my best friend, who has PCOS and has struggled with infertility for years now, is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! She is due a full two months after me. How awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is amazing how hard infertility can be. My best friend has no children yet. She and her husband are Godparents to my kids. But none of their own until...... June of 06!!! Compare her infertility to mine... I am going to have six kids! I think the difference for me was that I started trying to conceive when I was only 22. I still had to take clomid to ovulate for my first 3. Then Glucophage for the next 2. So all 5 of my children were conceived with the help of ovulation stimulating medication. Without the miracles of modern medicine, I would very likely have NO children. My husband and I were together for several years (since I was 18) and never, ever, one time did we use or take birth control. But then I never had periods so, I figured I was infertile. Back then it made all the joy of young, passionate love all that much more fun. Anyway, with this baby I was taking vitamin C and following A NEW DAWN... so on one hand I can say I was on nothing but on the other, if not for A NEW DAWN, I may not be pregnant right now....... who knows?
You know what is funny is people will tell me that I have not struggled with infertility. I get that alot from people who don't have any idea what all we've been through or from people who went through "more" to conceive their child or children. I can totally understand people feeling that I have struggled less in that area, but to say that someone who does not ovulate and never has, without the help of some medication, didn't go through infertility.... well..... that is just silly. Some people are really sad because they want more children, or a child period...... and through their pain they do not see that though I am incredibly blessed today, I also faced having no children, or not as many as I wanted to have.
In a way, it is like someone telling me that my children are not as valuable since I have more than the average mom. I just don't see how these things can be measured. I wanted every single one of my babies. I have two angels in heaven (miscarriage) who I would LOVE to have in my arms... I want them ALL. Every one of them is precious and valued beyond what I could put into words.
Then there are the occasional people who will attack me from ANY aspect. Tear me down however they can. Including to tell people that I am a liar because I did not deal with infertility. Thank goodness that those who have such cold hearts are so few.
My overall experience with people has been very very warm. I have dealt with guilt over my success in the area of fertility, because I work with women who want ONE child, or have one but want one more and are not having success trying. I see their pain and my heart goes out to them. I feel guilty because God has blessed me so much.
I have felt that a lot with my best friend. But she is the most wonderful person and she KNOWS me, and she knows my kids, and she always tells me that I was meant to have all my kids - I was meant to have a BIG family. She loves my family and she is always happy for me 100%. She never compares or says she feels bad that I have kids and she doesn't. She even asked me, a couple weeks before I found out I was pg this time, if I was having another baby. She said she was dreaming about me having one more baby and she KNEW I was going to. A few weeks later, I found out I was. She was not at all surprised. She knew. And, she is thrilled.
Of course she is even more thrilled now that we are going to be pg together!!!!! And so am I!!
My kids mean the world to me. I cannot ever put into words how much gratitude I have in my heart for the gifts I have been given.
posted by ~ Tarra ~ @ 9:17 PM
2 Comments:
At 10:17 PM,
Branden said…
I am glad you finally got out with your family, and I am happy to hear about your dad. You know I have some the same thoughts when Kaylea tells me her coworkers, are going around telling people who ask her about PCOS that it is all in her head because she isn't miserable or voicing the physical or emotional pain she feels, or even better that she is a pill popper because of her allergies (same regimine I am on) and her met.
My response, "Some people's children!"
April is right around the bend!
At 12:41 PM,
Tara said…
I don't believe that one should compare another one's struggle with anything because we all start from different points in our lives and what one person might be able to handle, might seem like death to another.
I've had two miscarriages and most people tell me that they know 100% for sure that i'll have children. I have to remind them that the only person who knows that for sure if God, and i must believe that if it's part of His plan, then we'll have children either biologically or through adoption, of course, we would prefer to have our own. But let's not forget how man unwanted babies are thrown away every day.
When they hear about my miscarriages, the first thing they want to do is tell me that i need to choose another GYN doctor, and start giving me #s and names, but i once again decline because i realize that it's not the doctor that's the probelm, it's the PCOS and once that's taken care of my issues should be a thing of the past.
Usually the next thing they say is how depressed they know i am and how i must be a little angry at God, and this is ususlly based on their own experiences, but i try to explain to them that i think it's a blessing that God has designed our bodies to expel anything that's not healthy by a way of miscarriage and I usually think that He Saved me from something bad that i can't even imagine, only He can, and i trust that if we should have had either child, we would have, but that was not His plan - He can intervene whenever He chooses, so i choose to trust and believe that He knows best.
I'm usually hit with, well since you were only pregnant for 8 wks once and 5 wks at another time, you never felt the baby kick and can't really imagine what it feels like to be really pregnant. I try to explain to them it's not about the amount of weeks i was pregnant that allows me to trust God, it's that knowing the kind of Father i serve and i thank Him daily that i didn't have to give birth to a dead baby at 5 months old.
On the other hand, i tend to show early. I usually know i'm pregnant around 2 weeks after i conceive, and within a few weeks my clothes are a little tight, and around 5 weeks i need maternity clothes, even though my doctors said i might not show until around the 5th month. My doctors are usually surprised how soon i start to show, and at one of my visits, they usually say, i think you need to buy some maternity clothes, i don't like the way these pants are fitting around your tummy.
So even though i don't feel anything yet, i still know that i'm pregnant and people are still congratulating me on the baby because they look at me and say, i think you're pregnant and i can't seem to say, no i'm not when i know i am - all this to say, i still go through a period of saddness and depression, but it usually only last a few days before i remember the God i serve, and it also helps that i have a husband that also shares my love for God and belief that He's taking care of us each day in every situation, even when we had the miscarriages. It did also help that the fetus was tested the first time and they found out that soemthing was wrong with the fetus and it wouldn't have lasted anyway, and with the second pregnancy, because of the lack of progesterone, it started to be reabsorbed into my body, so that was inevitable.
With all that, I think we need to approach each other on a one to one basis, with each issue we must deal with, or go through in our lives and believe that we must all deal with problems in our own ways. Also, whether you have one, or five, or no babies at all, you still go through drama when you can't conceive naturally - and taking drugs to conceive is no party, especially when you have to constantly go back and forth to the doctors and deal with so many side affects.
Congratulations to your friend on her new pregnancy.
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