Airbrushing

I've moved! AND I am actually BLOGGING again! Visit my new place at My Space --
http://www.myspace.com/heartlairbrushing

The Dance

The Dance (Garth Brooks)

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

I walk alone...

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"
(Green Day)

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Why not be nice???

I realize that I am not very good at this whole blogging thing but I thought I should put in my two cents. I have read some other blogs and I have never seen the kind of comments that my wife’s has received. Is this world getting so bad that nameless and faceless strangers are willing to attack people that give their time to try to help others? It is no wonder that this country’s volunteer organizations are in bad shape. I can see that the some people have no purpose. They live a shallow life that has doomed them to sit in front of a computer and spit the poison of their miserable lives onto the people that are trying and wanting to do good for others. It is sad that people think they can offer so little that they must push their unwanted negative remarks onto others. Why is it that these people can’t find anything positive to do???

As the weeks roll by

As the weeks roll by I seem to be more and more lost in my split world of factory life and farm life. My heart pulls me to stay at the farm with my wife and kids as much as I can but my bills tell me different. Working in the smelly world of the paint Dept has its ups and downs. One of the bad thing is that I come into contact with all sorts of chemicals. Now I have read all the MSDS's and I know the supposed risks, but I still can tell I am not at 100% health wise. I have never believed most of the things that the government puts out anyway. I certainly am not going to lay my life on the Government mandated paper slapped to the side of a 330 gal tote of sodium Hydroxide or potassium Hydroxide that is supposed to be safe to work around all day. Where I work the vapors can get bad and the temperatures are any where from 100 to 175 out in the shop and 275 to 500 in the ovens. But none the less I think it is high time that I start to take better care of myself. It isn't a real nice environment for a person to spend 10 to 12 hours a day. Talk more latter, I have to go to work.

painting pictures...

I have been reading back over my posts and have noticed that the picture I paint of my life and the support for my wife is awful rosy. The years of my life with Tarra have been the best of my life. I do have to say that I am not always perfectly understanding and supportive of all of the thinks she has gone through and done. I can say I try as hard as I can to be there for her in her times of need. Nevertheless, I know that I have fallen pathetically short. It feels as if I took back all of the pleads for forgiveness I have uttered over the past ten years I would not have said much at all. Dealing with a person that is having a loss of self-esteem and feels like they are loosing their femininity is like walking a tight rope, sooner or latter you fall. It seems that a person that looks in the mirror over the years and sees them self growing in ways they do not want to seems to thinks that this is how everyone sees them too. It is as if they project this negative image of them self onto how they think you see and think of them. This has been very hard for me to deal with. Over the years, I have gotten frustrated with not understanding her drops in mood and over all self worth. I have had a hard time with her need to retract from society as a whole other than the work she has thrown her self into over the faceless Internet. I have not been there to tell her how beautiful she is and tell her what a wonderful person she is as much as I have needed to. I guess I still see her as the girl I married ten years ago. My wife is the best person I know and she is everything I can and would ever need. You see I guess what I am trying to show is that having something like PCOS puts so many strains on the couples it effects. As a man in this position I have tried to bring myself up to the task of being as supportive and positive as I need to be. I have been far from perfect. I keep my hopes up as each new day comes. I love my wife and I hope that I can help bring the positive and vibrant parts of my wife back onto her view. Over all I think this whole thing has made us stronger. We have needed each other so much we have gotten to the point that we dread any time apart.

New Website

The new PCOS Living site is up and running. It is looking really great! You should check it out!

My wife and I are so excited at the launch of this new site. I believe that this represents an exciting new time in our lives. It is so nice to see the look of hope in my wives eyes again. The thought that there is something out there that is helping and is making such a difference in our friends' lives is like hearing you might have won the lottery. It is almost too good to be true. I have talked to the people that are doing it and there is no doubt in my mind that this is finally real. This is finally the thing we have been looking for...

I too am ready for a New Dawn...

A little history:

To put some history behind this I will try to clarify a few things. My wife and I were married a little over ten years ago. We went to the doctor a year later because, as usual, there was something wrong with her and we didn't know what. That is when we were told my wife had PCOS. It was a relief at first, because we knew the there had been something wrong.

I guess we thought they would be able to take care of it and all would be good. In fact we were told that if she was able to have a child the cycle of the pregnancy could fix things. That was not the case. We did have our first three kids thanks to modern medicine and had our last two with out fertility treatments (with only glucophage, a maintenance drug, anyway).

The overlying symptoms got worse. Before our youngest one came along we had a miscarriage. This is quite "normal" for women with PCOS. This was one of the worst times of our lives. Not only did we lose a child we were so happy to be receiving but I almost lost my wife. I had to rush her to the hospital as her blood pressure dropped to nothing and then to get ushered to a waiting room to pray that it all would be alright. She was wiped out for what seemed like months.

Looking back, that is how my life has been in regards to her health. I have remained supportive but have left my wife and our life together in the hands of the doctors. I have watched by as they have pushed more and more meds her way. I watched as they pulled her off of one and put her on another that was supposed to replace it, and watch her crash as a result. Her symptoms are still getting worse. I am still standing by.

I am tired of standing by. I am sick of watching my wife free fall into this pit of PCOS. I could cry when I realize what this is doing to her self-esteem. Through all of this I have worked too much. I have tried to not worry her even though I had a heart attack two weeks before my 29th birthday.

I guess you could say that I too am ready for a New Dawn...