Bad Joo Joo!

ARGH... I had me some baaaaad joo joo. (All rights to that term are reserved by Amy... I am using it with her permission. If any of you want to use this term please submit $5 by check, money order, or paypal, to Amy... because ya know... we are all out to make money any way we can here... and... that term was rightfully discovered by her and we shall not allow anyone to be stealing it).

ROTFLMAO!!!!! I crack me up. I realize that no one else thinks I am funny... but, at least I laugh at myself sometimes... and on the topic of laughing asses off... mine is still there dangit....

Well, alrighty then. Back to the bad joo joo. It made me feel nauseated, headachy, exhausted like I need a nap, my rings are tight, I am very bloated all over, just kind of crappy over-all. So I am now in recovery from bad naughty joo joo.

Whoa is me, whoa is me.........

It has launched!

Visit the new site - dedicated to learning about
chronic inflammation and healing it.
I am so thrilled to be a part of this!
And, I am so blessed to be a part of it.
Being able to share information that you
know is going to help people is an amazing feeling.

~ Tarra ~

Puffy

I weighed in and took my measurements today. I don't know if I really want to post that here... so let's just say I will post how many inches and pounds I lose. How about that? I did find a photo that shows how horribly unhealthy I am right now. It looks like I have been run over by a train. Well, actually I would be smooshed so it can't actually be that but, I look bad. Puffy eyes, swollen face (no shower, no make-up, that all doesn't help much either).
So... Here is a really unhealthy, swollen, miserable me:
BLECH!!!!!!!!!!! Are you still here? You didn't run away screaming?? Well... I guess you can see for yourself how much of a difference there is in me. WOW. I cannot wait to feel good again.

Hope, Life, Me...

I am so excited!! I am seeing results in people who read "A New Dawn" and it is giving me so much hope, for the first time in MANY years. I HAVE HOPE. I don't only have hope for me, but I have hope for EVERYONE who suffers from an illness related to chronic inflammation. I read the books, I seen the research, I seen the "facts", and now, I am seeing the "proof in the pudding". Two of my dearest friends are getting a second lease on life with the help of Ian Stoakes. I can't wait! I am a big chicken to do it the hard way though. I want to do it the easy way. :)

I spoke to Ian Stoakes on the phone today. He is a very kind man with the desire to help people, which is why he wrote the books and why he has reached out to the PCOSA and women with PCOS like this. He just doesn't have time for all the BS... for all the nastiness that occurs in cyberspace. He wants to spend time with people that WANT his help.

You know... I can really see his point. Why go where you're not wanted? When you have only 24 hours in a day and you don't get to spend it with those who WANT you, why spend any of it with those who DON'T want you... those who want to use and abuse you? WHY do we think we need to ACCEPT REJECTION? I have been one to always accept it. Try, try again. WHY??

That is a lesson I need to take to heart in MANY aspects of my life I think! There just isn't enough time for this bologny. I WANT TO LIVE. I want to have ZEST again. And... I want to share it with my loved ones. And those who don't love me? Pooey on them... I give up on trying to please those who will never be pleased, those who SUCK the energy right out of you, chew you up and spit you out and leave you in a mush. It is time that I give THE BEST OF ME to those who love me. And stop bothering with all of those who don't. My loved ones do not deserve the scraps I have been throwing them. Time for them to get the WHOLE ME. The HEALED ME.

Something we ALL should take to heart....

Blessings,
Tarra

My Sweetheart

Reply to my dear husbands comment:

Matt,
Your support over the years has meant more to me than you will ever know. You have been my breath when I couldn't breathe... my life when I thought I was dying... Your love has been the one most essential source of nourishment that has fed my soul. I have always thought you deserve so much better than me. So much more than me. But, if you're willing to keep me, than I will do my best to become everything I want you to have.
Per Te Vivro my love...
Tarra

Piranas!!

Dear Tulin,

In response to your "open letter":

I do understand. These people can hurt you so deeply. They can turn on you like rabid dogs. They can attack you like hungry piranas that see flesh... It is the nature of the best. It creates angry people who need to lash out... to hurt others to express their pain. You can't stop them. You certainly don't want to join them. So, may as well get the heck away and not allow them to "vex" your soul any longer. Funny how people can bite the hand that feeds, isn't it?

Though the internet and computers have created many wonderful things for us, one thing they have not done is made it more difficult for people to be unkind to each other. Those who feel they can say and do anything they please can now do it behind the sheild of a computer screen where they never have to look the people they are harming in the eye. They never have to see the pain they are inflicting. And that makes it so much easier for them. It has reduced the amount of respect we treat each other with, undoubtedly. And, you deserve respect, the utmost respect, and nothing less than our thanks.

So, Thank you. From the bottom of my heart... thank you... for all you have given, for all you have tried to give... for all you have suffered at the hands of those you have tried to help. I am deeply sorry that you have been hurt so badly. I can understand, and I have felt that pain.

The GREAT news is, tomorrow is A NEW DAWN!

Blessings,
Tarra

How did I get here? Sitting on the couch eating bon-bons?

I used to be a healthy person. I spent my younger days as a slim, healthy, athletic & active girl. I was vibrant. I lifted weights & at one time considered entering body building competitions because I was so muscular. I ran several miles almost everyday. I am half ways embarrassed to say I was a cheerleader. I was a volleyball player (my specialty was my ACE serving arm).

In my teens I started to show signs of what I know now to be PCOS. Didn't get my period when my friends did... got it like once a year... had to practically wear diapers when I did get it. Had other strange things. Had my thyroid tested more times than I can count. You know, I was actually told that I was lucky that I didn't get my period by a couple doctors? That it was something I just didn't need to worry about like other girls? TODAY I KNOW that my risk for uterine cancer was HIGHLY increased because I didn't get a period at least 4-6 times per year.

Another big one was "You're active, athletic... It's normal for girls like you to not get your period." Again... should athletes be at higher risk for cancer because they're athletes?? NO!

By the time I was 17 I began to gain a little weight. Not much... but, I was concerned as any girl that age would be, because I wasn't doing anything to cause it. By the time I was 18 I was starting to puke up my food in an attempt to manage my weight. It didn't work. By this time I was beginning to get cellulite on my thighs... I had never experienced that before. I ran a lot. I lifted weights a lot. I focused on my thighs with weight training. Nothing worked...

Somewhere in there my own mother started to harp on me about how I was gaining weight. I wasn't her beautiful slim beauty queen anymore. Did I tell you I was even a pageant girl once? HA! So funny now. My mother, like everyone else, didn't understand that I couldn't stop what was happening to me. I wasn't overeating. I WAS active. I was beyond active!

I was really into music, a musician, a singer, in bands, I got really self conscious, stage shy, didn't want to be a fat person making a fool of myself ya know. So my performing slowed down. I had won lots of awards, contests, money... scholarships for college, a pageant, John Phillip Sousa Award for outstanding musicians, Talent awards.... But, my private hell (with what was PCOS) was killing me and I slowed down in doing everything I loved.

In college I felt awful when Juries rolled around every semester and I had to perform for all the Music professors and staff. Not because I didn't have the talent but because I felt so.... Messed up. Like I was locked inside this body that wasn't even me. It was gaining weight and things were happening... Like moods, and depression, and hair on my chin... My self esteem was just getting shot down to nothing. Being a performer was really not terribly fun.

When I got married at age 21 I had stopped most of my physical activities & had to wear a size 12 wedding dress. I remember standing in the bridal shop, in horror that the size 10 didn't fit. Size 12 was double the size I had been a few years before. I was marrying the love of my life... the man of my dreams... but somehow a tiny bit of the joy was stolen that day because I felt like he wasn't getting all he bargained for in me. And, I felt like on your wedding day you're supposed to feel like a princess and I didn't. I guess there is a real lesson to be learned from Fionna Shrek, huh? If only they had made that movie sooner...

By age 22 when I finally was diagnosed correctly with PCOS I was a size 16. And today, at age 31, I won't even tell you... I can't even say it. All I can say is it isn't even about size now. (Even though my mom still harps on me... Reminding me about how she sees this person or that person from my college days or high school days and they "don't even recognize me now" because I have gained so much weight. Gotta love her. She doesn't know she is ripping me apart inside). Though weight has so much to do with feeling "womanly" and "feminine" and beautiful.... What I want more than anything else is to become healthy and know that I am going to be around when my kids are growing up and that I am not going to Kiel over from a heart attack and leave my husband alone to raise 5 little ones on his own.

Getting Healthy.... THAT is my goal.

Drug money.... what a waste!

OK well, before you freak out about the title, I mean "perscription drugs". We were "reimbursed" for TWO months worth of perscription drugs yesterday. Not really reimbursed beings it is flex comp so it's our own money that is being given back... but, you know what I mean. Anyway, can you take a guess as to how much money was reimbursed to us? $900-- some odd dollars. Just under $1000 dollars. For TWO months of meds. And, aside from me, NO ONE here takes a thing. It's all me. All my stuff. It is really embarrassing that by June my medications are fully paid for because I have met the maximum on my insurance plan. I feel like I should be an elderly person with a hundred medical issues.... Nope... I am 31 and have a hundred medical issues. All tied up into one nicely wrapped name. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Ugh.