Tomorrow is another day...

Today may have been the worst day of my life so far. It was such a bad bad day. I have spent most of the day crying. I have just melted. Too much stress I guess... got to me once and for all.

It all started with a really nasty conversation with a mean mean credit card person this morning. A VERY small misunderstanding turned into the guy telling my husband he should be "taken behind the woodshed and shot", telling us that he has the police on their way to our house to arrest us for fraud (which was a line of crap of course), and all kinds of other things that you would never believe if you didn't hear it. The man was probably the most miserable human being I have ever spoken to. And the bottom line is, we didn't deserve this at all and he wouldn't listen to reason. He was just so horrible. I never knew that someone could be SO mean and nasty when it is so undeserved. I can't hardly believe this man has a job there - in customer service! After my experience with him, he should be fired. He didn't even seem fit to be asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

I hung up from this guy and the phone didn't even ring, I just picked it up to make another call right away and here was a writer from O Magazine wanting to interview me for an article about PCOS. I was crying, I couldn't even hardly speak to her... thank God she was calling to reschedule the interview because there was no way I was up for it. We have waited YEARS to get some attention for PCOS from people like Oprah... and here it may be coming... and I end up on the phone with the lady not even able to speak understandably.

I had a doctor's appt today and that was okay although my doctor is a bit worried about all of the stress I am under. I have lost weight and my blood pressure was up some.

Now I have a massive headache and I need to just go to bed. I felt the need to sort of tell someone about the day though... even if it is just a quick blog post. It is amazing how theraputic this can be. I never would have imagined that bearing your soul to the world could be so good for a person.

I got home to find an email in my inbox from a friend who sends out something "inspirational" everyday. Many days I wonder if she meant it JUST for me, though I know that she sends her daily note to many people. Today she wrote this:

Mercy is forgiveness. If we want to be forgiven, let's not forget to forgive others too.

Matthew 5:7 - Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

I guess it's just as Scarlett said in Gone With The Wind (the movie my mom named me after).

"After all... tomorrow is another day."

Not too much going on

My sister came to visit me today, along with my niece (Dina) and nephew (Tyler) and nephew's dog (Shamer). Shamer ran with my dogs and had a good time. He is a town dog so he doesn't get this space very often. He is a Schnauzer only he is a GIANT Schnauzer. I have never seen a giant schnauzer before and man, he is cute! My Dolly is a miniature schnauzer and it is just funny to two dogs that look the same but are so different in size. Shamer is nearly as big as Zeus, and Zeus is a huge dog (Great Pyrenees).

My sister got pretty pooped pretty fast so they didn't stay long but it was really nice to see them. My sister is trying really hard to help my mom now too so it's a lot for her to take on. She has chemo and radiation and then she wants to drive to be with my mom for her appointments too yet.

My mom is having surgery on Tuesday and she decided that she is staying in her town to do it for now. After surgery will come CT scan, chemo, and radiation. She is scared, I think, but wants to get it all over with instead of thinking too much.

Matt left to work for a few days at the plant on the other side of the state. They're having issues and they think he can fix the problem. Will be nice for him to do that and be able to feel good about it, but I hate being without him too. He said in the hotel it is so quiet he can't relax. Nothing like having 5 kids around!!

I am doing well. Feeling good etc... Just wishing the rest of my family was too. I guess I can thank God that I am feeling good while others are ill because if I was sick too I would be really miserable for sure.

I have an interview with a writer from O magazine on Friday. That would be really cool to get an article into such a huge magazine!!! She has PCOS and wants to do a very "meaty" article about it.

I hope you all have a wonderful week and weekend!

I run for hope

This song just came out and though I have never been a real big Melissa Etheridge fan, I love this song and I think she has done a marvelous job writing and singing it. Probably partially because she is singing it totally from her heart, beings she is a breast cancer survivor.

I run for hope

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

[Chorus]

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more


We found out on Wednesday that my mom has full blown breast cancer and it is still there and there are more surgeries to come, along with chemo, radiation, and whatever else. They do not know where all it may be. They do know that it is in her breast and under one arm for sure. So, as you can imagine, it has been an emotionally exhausting week.

Our family has always been really lucky. We have never lost anyone in our immediate family (my parents, siblings, and their kids) to car accidents or cancer. I have said for a long time that for the size of our family we have been really lucky to not have any major trageties occuring. My stepdad died when I was 21 but other than that we have been very fortunate. I guess it is our turn now. I don't know why... but cancer is definitely effecting more and more people all the time it seems. Something is going on in the world.

We had an ultrasound on Wednesday before I drove to my mom's. It went really really good and everything looks wonderful. Our little angel is thriving and she is beautiful. Yes - they said 90% positive it's a girl. If I want they will repeat the ultrasound to check gender. She was not completely cooperative but, they're pretty sure anyway.

Check out these darling legs!!













I am so tired... so drained... but ya know, pregnancy-wise this is the best I have ever felt with any of my pregnancies. I ran into my cousin tonight at the store and she commented that she has never seen me look so good while pregnant. I will need to stay healthy and strong so I can be there for my mom. She will probably stay with us because I am pretty sure she is going to continue her treatment here, where we live. We have a good cancer center here and she needs the best care she can get.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it so much!

Bittersweet

I am listening to the wonderful music of William Joseph. It is just so beautiful. It is amazing how he can play a song like Kashmir and put such a gorgeous spin on it.

For some reason I am feeling a bit sober today. I guess I am probably worried about my mom's appointment tomorrow. I talked to her this morning and she said that my sister had called to tell her how her CT scan went. She received VERY good news! My sister was told that the tumor in her lungs has shrunk to HALF the size it was. So she is ecstatic!! Now if we can get as good or better news about my mom tomorrow things will be just awesome.

I also have an appointment tomorrow morning - an ultrasound. We will get to see the gender! I am so excited!

We went to the pumpkin patch on Friday with my sister and my niece. It was really nice, and especially nice to see them. Life is so busy sometimes it seems we just can't keep up. The kids had fun except Matthew seemed to come down with a fever while we were there. Then when we left both he and Treytan threw up in the truck! By the end of the weekend I was sick too. But feeling good today.

I have been working on a few projects for PCOSLiving. I am so used to spending HOURS everyday doing stuff for the PCOSA, and now I have this time... it is strange. I am busy all the time, and I am always juggling things, but now I am just juggling one less thing. I really love PCOSLiving. It is a very supportive and positive environment. I am so happy to be a part of it. A friend there lost her baby though and that is just heartwrenching. She apparently had an infection they didn't catch and it caused her to go into labor at 17 weeks. My heart bleeds for her!

It is very bittersweet now... to be pregnant and healthy and have my pregnancy buddy lose her baby... I feel so terrible for her.

I wish you all a great week!

"This Will Kill You"

That is what Erik wrote when he sent me this photo. Perhaps bad humor... perhaps a reminder that nothing in life is certain... I worry about my mom and my 2 sisters (cancer and severe, progressive MS) dying... but yet, any one of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow. I guess it just means we should all, "live like we were dying."

My mom had surgery yesterday. We did call her last night. She is taking pain meds so she is tired and kind of out of it. They took out a lump the size of a walnut. She was scared that it was so large. Madison and I will be driving to go to her next appt with her when she will be told her options. That is one week from yesterday.



My brother returned from spending 4 days with my nephew (pictured) in Kansas. He got a 4 day leave before they deploy to Iraq now (he has been gone in Kansas for training since August). We don't expect to hear from him again for 6-8 weeks for security reasons. My brother sent me an email today. He wrote:

we really enjoyed our time with Erik. Pretty hard to leave Monday nite not knowing for sure when we'll see him again. He is doing really well according to his platoon seargent & squad leader (both ex-marines). He has a good attitude, is training and learning very well, and has emerged as an example and leader and a solid soldier among non NCOs in his company. - Sniped - I do have a lot of confidence in him-I guess it all really comes down what your upbringing was like. I hope and pray that I did enough of the right things while raising him! I am extremely proud of him and his dedication, loyalty, and sense of patriotism. We see too many young people now a days that don't have a clue what it really takes to maintain our freedom. A lot of them just display the "entitlement" attitude. Enough of my rambling on.... We will be praying for Erik every day, and I would ask all of you to do the same! I feel a big piece of me is missing now, and I won't be whole again until my son returns WHOLE!

Erik is with the "Trailblazers" out of North Dakota. The Trailblazers are so respected over in Iraq that other troops of all branches stand and salute when the Trailblazers pass by. One of our local ER doctors (who served in Iraq) wrote about that in the newspaper. He said that the Trailblazers are saving lives everyday because their job is to go ahead of other troops and search out land mines and bombs. They protect the rest of our military from those hazards. And they put their own lives at great risk.

From the Defend America website:


Staff Sgt. Tom Caldwell maintains security by a convoy on a road near Baqubah, Iraq, on Sept. 24, 2004. Caldwell is assigned to the Army National Guard's Company C, 141st Engineer Battalion, attached to the 1st Infantry Division's 3rd Brigade Combat Team. Known as the "Trailblazers," the engineers' job is to search for Improvised Explosive Devices in the Baqubah area. U.S. Army photo by Spc. James B. Smith Jr.

Please keep my nephew, my mom, and my 2 sisters in your prayers if you have room for them. Our family is going through so much right now. I pray that everyone survives (cancer etc) and we all become stronger and better people for what we have gone through.

We're back online

We are back online! It was a painless move to a new server thanks to Branden. If you ever need service in the area of websites and programming etc... Branden is a good one to help.

My mom had surgery today. A lumpectomy. I haven't talked to her yet. I wanted to let her rest and I know that others will be on her doorstep and calling to see how she is doing, even though she is most likely wanting rest and privacy right now. So I will call her tomorrow morning and check on her.

My sister will find out next week if the chemo and radiation has helped her cancer at all. She is scared. We will hope for the best news as always!

I have been in touch with some old friends and that has been so nice! Right now it is just wonderful to receive support and kindness. I can't say how much I appreciate it!

Did I tell you that we already had a blizzard this fall? Last week we got several inches of snow. My mom got 3 feet and everyone there lost trees and has lots of damage. Now everytime we say we have to get something done "before the snow flies" we hurry to add "again" or "for the second time..." on to the end of the sentence. LOL! I love snow and I love winter... I really love the 4 seasons and how different they are here. About the time you get sick of one, it changes.

What is really funny is that we're still have 70 and 80 degree temps!! That snow didn't last long!

Problems With The Server

Many of you may have noticed of the past couple of days that you could not e-mail Matt or Tarra. That is because of a problem with the E-Mail server and our webhosting provider has not been able to resolve. Because of this a few other web server issues over the past couple of weeks, we are moving to a new server. While I am not sure if this will be a temporary or permenate move (it will really depend on Matt and Tarra's opinion of the new server) for the next 24 to 48 Hours we will not be able to recieve e-mail or update the site. We ask that until you see the "New Home" message that you don't comment on any of the posts because your comments may be lost during the move. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me via e-mail.

We are sorry about the incovience and hope to have this resolved soon.

Thanks,

Matt & Tarra Hartl
and
Branden Simbeck
Computer Consulting
Server Administrator & Consultant for Heartl.com

AFP Results

I must say, last week when I got a message from my doctor to call him, I was immediately worried and thinking, "What more can go wrong?" You see, he told me that he would ONLY call if something was wrong. He said it twice and talked about how they'd be on the phone all the time if they called every person all the time. SO... He would only call me if there was something wrong. I took the AFP that day (also known as the triple screen). This test and can indicate if your baby has any problems/birth defects.

Anyway, I got a message and I called back on Friday only to find that they were out until Monday. So all weekend long I have been on edge. I thought I got a positive AFP (positive is bad). I was wondering what I am going to do if I have a baby die in utero, or born with trisomy 18 only to live a few hours or days. My mind was thinking the worst. After my mom was diagnosed with cancer last week I have been not thinking the happiest of thoughts.

So I called back this morning and the nurse got on the phone. She was chatting with me about PCOSA stuff - asking me how that was going (of course I told her that I had resigned). She never chats that much with me because she is always busy. So, I was thinking again, it's bad news and she is stalling. She finally said, "Well, the reason we were calling you is because we got the results of the AFP." My heart sank... "Your results are excellent!" She said. She went on to explain the results and tell me that everything is just fine.

Down Syndrome occurs in 1 out of every 800 births. The AFP said my chances are 1 out of 3,600. Trisomy 18 effects 1 in 3000 babies. My chances are 1 in 10,000. And Neural Tube defects (such as spina bifida) occur in 1 out of every 2,000 births, and my chances are 1 in 10,000. The nurse said that these results are wonderful.

I am really wondering if vitamin C and A New Dawn have helped me in that area! I am thinking so!

Let's hope and pray that things continue to go well because my mom is having a lumpectomy on Wednesday. I can use the good luck to continue and I am sure she can too!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Sock it to me! Is that how that goes?

I must say that regarding the topic of respect, I am so saddened by the lack of it in this world anymore. Honest people don't seem to be respected for their opinions, while brown nosers and butt kissers are respected like mad.

No More President

I was completely and totally devestated to find out last night that my mom has breast cancer. This has sent my whole world on a tail spin. My mom is a very close person in my life and... this is just the most horrible news I could have ever imagined. She will have surgery next week and then they will tell her if it has spread and if she needs to have a masectomy etc. PLEASE keep her in your prayers!

I resigned as President of the PCOSA Board of Directors this past weekend. There were many reasons, most of them I will not divulge. The most important reasons are of course my own health and my family. I wrote a letter letting people I have known and worked with through the PCOSA. You can read it below.

I will, however, continue to volunteer with PCOSLiving and Ian Stoakes. That has been such a rewarding experience for me that I must hang on to it. Ian Stoakes has been incredibly kind to me and he, as well as everyone at PCOSLiving (especially Tulin and Kerim and of course one my best friends on earth and kindred spirit, Amy), are very positive people I need to keep in my life.


Dear Friends,

I am writing to let you know that I am no longer working with the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Association. After 5+ years of volunteer service, the time has finally came for me to hang up my hat. This is one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. One reason I came to this decision is that my family really needs me now.

In the last few months we have gone through so much, including a sister dealing with progressive multiple sclerosis (this is very rare, only 5% of MS is progressive), my other sister was diagnosed with lung cancer, my dad had an aneurysm, and my nephew was sent to Iraq with the Army. As if that isn't enough stress for the average bear, I was devastated to find out today that my mom has breast cancer. This has put an enormous amount of strain on me and my family while I am trying to stay healthy while expecting baby #6 and homeschooling my children.

*sniped*

I would also be very appreciative if you would pray for my family. Thank you! Please keep in touch with me at tarra@heartl.com

Best Wishes,

Tarra Hartl

former President of the PCOSA ;o)


I want to say THANK YOU so much to all of the people who have written me kind letters already. I have received so many, in less than 24 hours of me telling the public that I resigned. I am so honored and so humbled.

People have said things that have been so uplifting, such as this:

~ Hopefully if I have any questions you can still answer them for me

~ you are exactly right to put your family and your family's health first! Your family is lucky

to have you.

~ I think that we all owe you a huge thank you for the years and countless hours of work for the PCOSA and women with PCOS everywhere. Your efforts have made a very posivite difference in the lives of many women and in the day to day operation of the PCOSA. I know that the PCOSA will miss your leadership and dedication

~ you absolutely are doing the right thing to make your family the priority and I want you to feel really good about all the good things that you have done with PCOS and the PCOSA and not feel one bit bad about stepping back.

~ I read you e-mail last night and want you to know you will always be in my prayers

~ You were great in your position. I understand it was too much.

~ I honestly didn't know how you did it all. I know that helping women with PCOS is near and dear to your heart, but your family is absolutely first.

~ I hope that you also take care of yourself. I hate to see you go.

~ I'm so sorry to see you go- You'd done an amazing job.

~ I *WILL* pray for your family and YOU always. I know I think of you lots and can NOT imagine all you do

~ Our thoughts are with you, and many thanks for all your help.

and many more offering support and prayers. This all just brings me to tears and warms my heart so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A few words...

I received this in my email today. I thought it was really nice:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that
wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than
once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts
too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new
love for things an old one did. You'll cry because
time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose
someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too
much, and love like you've never been hurt because
every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of
happiness you'll never get back.

I have had a really busy past few days... I will try to fill you in later. In the meantime, I was going to post some statements I made to a writer from a magazine who asked me some questions for an article about PCOS. These are things that I wanted to share with everyone.

Q: What have you learned from your online community?

Answers:

~ Being a part of online communities centered around PCOS, I have learned that our health is in our control.

~ There are many women who come to the forums weak and not able to take control, but they become strong and proactive about their health.

~ So many women with PCOS believe that they are not beautiful but we encourage them to realize that they ARE beautiful and they should be proud of who they are. PCOS can rob us of our femininity... but it cannot steal our inner beauty unless we allow it to.

Q: What kinds of questions have you been asked by women with PCOS?

A: Being a leader in the PCOS Community I have received thousands of questions over the years. They range from the standard, "What is PCOS? What kind of medication should I take? My doctor wants me on the birth control pill and I don't want to take it. What do I do?" to the questions that women have said they've never been able to ask anyone before such as, "I have no sex drive and my marriage is suffering, what can I do?" to "What kind of razor should I be using to shave my face? All the razors are for men and cause me to break out." If you have never had to shave your face like a man, you would never realize that there aren't razors or shaving cream made for women to use on their faces.

I had a 12 year old girl write to me once. She was trying to lose weight and even on less than 1000 calories a day and no fat or sugar she was still gaining weight. She had gained 30 pounds in a few months time. She had several symptoms of PCOS. Her doctor, however, told her she had to lose weight and that is it. She was told she would become diabetic if she didn't lose weight. She was in junior high and was mortified to be overweight. This little girl was becoming anorexic in an attempt to get better because no one was helping her to find out what was really wrong with her. She thought it was all her fault. Tell me, how many bon-bons does a person have to eat to gain 30 pounds in a couple months? ANYONE who gains that much weight that fast has got a medical problem... you can't overeat enough to gain that much, that fast.

Final Statement:
As women, when we unite, we find out that we are not alone and that we can fight this, take control of our health, and succeed in overcoming this illness.