ENT appt

Well I had an appt with an ENT today. He reviewed all my MRI's and stuck and scope up my nose. What fun that was. He said that the sinus thing is not likely sinusitis or infection or whatever, he said that because it;s on only the one side it's probably a growth (which not only scares me but really grosses me out). I asked him if it could be cancer (I am very paranoid about that now) and he said that it concerns him that it's only on the one side and after surgery to remove it he will examine it and have it biopsied to find out for sure what it is. So I thought it was going to be cut and dry sinus surgery and nothing else but this is a little scary now. He did say that there is a chance that my migraines will go away and also my face will not be numb anymore on the one side. Anyhoo, hopefully it's nothing. It went from "chronic thickening" to 100% opaic in the last 2-1/2 years. Surgery is on December 28th.

JOY!!!!!!!!!

ANGRY

I am so so so angry. I am angry at my husband. I am angry at every person I have ever been irritated by. I am angry at Kelly Ripa for gosh sake. And I am very angry at God. My husband isn't making this all better and he is supposed to. Every person I have ever been irritated by should be gone and my sister should still be here. I think Kelly Ripa is a little bitch and I liked her before last week but I do not like her anymore now. She is a hypocrite and a snotty little twit and the way she treated Clay Aiken before, during, and after her show is despicable. Yes I can see not wanting to get germs during flu season but then #1 Don't kiss everyone and their neighbor's dog (which she does) and #2 Don't put your hand over people's mouths on your show and then turn around and call it unacceptable when someone does it to your big trap. HELLO! OK so, enough of that. Finally I am really pissed at God and I think that it was a horrible choice to take my sister. Everyone loved her. She was everyone's favorite everything. Favorite sister, favorite aunt, favorite cousin, favorite employee, SERIOUSLY she was favored by ALL. She was a giver. She was a wonderful person. She had a lot of good left to do on earth. Why didn't he take someone else? Someone who everyone doesn't love or someone who does bad things? I know that these questions are really silly but, it's how I feel and I can't figure out how to get over it.

things & stuff

Hello everyone....

I know some of you are wondering what's going on with test results and what not so I wanted to drop a note regarding that. I will try to be brief.

First of all, got the pathology report back last night *finally* - the lump removed two weeks ago is benign! That means NOT cancer. I go back next week to find out what to do about it because it's already back, but, as long as it's not cancer I am not worried about it.

I also got the results of the MRI's back and what they found was

--- no more scars on my brain which is a good thing

--- sinus issues which were there 3 years ago (polyps & opacity)

--- some possible issues with nerves in my back - that film will be reread

--- neck spasms

So Now I go on to an ENT (ear nose throat) and possible sinus surgery. At an appt. next month I will have a VER and EEG to rule out any other neurological problems and then I guess hopefully the ENT stuff helps the migraine issues.

My sister's memorial service was on Friday. It went pretty well. I was very honored at how many of my loved ones came (including a dear friend who drove all the way to and from Detroit Lakes MN in one day just to be there for me.... thank you thank you thank you!!) as well as all the many friends and family members from near and far. My sister was loved, and I guess so are the rest of us, which is really great to know. I thank you all who were there and those who sent cards and what not as well. Your kindness will not be forgotten. The slideshow I made in memory of my sister is on the internet at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvM0qLlVl9Q I made and handed out several V-CDs (plays on DVD player) at the service. If anyone wants one and didn't get one let me know. I will be happy to burn you a copy. The V-CDs are much higher quality than the one on the internet.

I know that after the last month I am so exhausted I could sleep 14 hours a day. If only the kids could too!!

As we look forward to the holidays it is really hard to see all the signs of Christmas and know that Candice will not be here. I know that time will help to heal the open wounds we are feeling and I try everyday to remember how lucky and blessed we all were to have her in our lives for as long as we did. I had her for 33 years. She was a wonderful sister and friend, and now she is our guardian angel. My heart hurts. But I am thankful and I would not trade the last 33 years even knowing the pain of this loss we now face.

God bless you all & happy thanksgiving!

Tarra Hartl & family
http://www.heartl.com

Nerves...

I have had almost all the tests done over the last few weeks and as I sit here I am anxiously waiting for the path report on the biopsy of the lump removed from my breast two weeks ago. They apparently lost it?? That really makes me nervous. And it's a quarter to 5 so I am starting to get upset that they will probably not get back to me till tomorrow. ARRRRRRGH. The only thing that scares me about it is IBC - inflammatory breast cancer. The mammogram was clear so that is great, but the area looks a bit like what IBC is described as. So I just want to hear that it's nothing and get on with my life.

I got the results of the MRI's back last week. I have polyps in my sinuses and one side is completely blocked, as it was 3 years ago in the MRI. So I am going on to an ENT to discuss sinus surgery. The scars on my brain have not changed in the last 3 years so that almost entirely rules out MS. The numbness I feel in my face and hands etc. can be caused by migraines I guess. Also looks like something funny going on in my spinal cord with the nerves in one area so that will be reread. Mostly really good news there though. Still have to do the EEG and VER and then I am homefree.

The memorial service for my sister was on Friday and that was really hard. It was a nice service and my sister was honored as she deserved to be. It is all much more "final" now though. We had to stop at Walmart for milk and suddenly it's all Christmasy - toys and signs of the season all over. It was very difficult because Christmas is, was, my sister's favorite time of year. She was such a giving person. She loved to give all the little kids gifts and could just watch them play for hours. She was one of those who gave attention to the kids like they were the only people on earth. She was such a great aunt to them, and such a wonderful sister too. I will miss her everyday. It just seems so unreal that she is gone.

Here is a slideshow I made for the memorial service. She had requested that I sing Amazing Grace if I could, and I know I couldn't do it live so I put it on the slideshow.

About My Boobs...

GOT YOUR ATTENTION DIDN'T I?? HA!

Well I had my first mammogram today. Boy, was that fun! What an interesting experience. I must say it didn't hurt like I expected it to but having a little gal pulling, pushing, tugging etc... on my boobs was very odd. The good news is the mammogram was clear. I was then sent to have an ultrasound. Then to the surgeon. He was really really nice. I would recommend him for anyone who needs, well,... surgery of some kind. He removed the lump and I now have stitches in my boob. (That's going to go on my list of things I never thought I would ever say). I go back in two weeks to have the stitches removed and find out the results of the biopsy. He sounded very positive about it not being cancer.

The surgeon had a med student with him and she was from UND (where my sister's body went). I told her about my sister Candice and I told her how different it is because we're not going through the visitation, funeral, burying our loved one process. She told me that UND has a ceremony every two years for the families whose loved ones donated their bodies to the college. She said that it is very neat because the med students attend and the families get to find out how much their loved one helped further education. I will have to find out when that ceremony is because I really want to attend.

Other than that we all have bad colds here. It is really beautiful out today though. My chest is all numb so I am doing good. I will find out soon if this is going to hurt...

My kids are having a hard time with losing their auntie. TJ asks repeatedly, daily, hourly sometimes, if Candice is at Walmart, "Tacos Bells", The doctor, or coming to visit. Matthew has decided that she is at the doctor in heaven and near as I can figure he is pretty sure she will be back for Christmas. I asked him if he understands what dying means, and his reply was, "It means that no one will ever be happy again." So tips for how to deal with children losing a close loved one are needed if you have any!

I have gained weight. Isn't that lovely? I am at such a bad place with myself right now. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, enough for today. God bless you all.

My Sister's Obituary

Candice Colette Goetz found peace on Oct. 26, 2006, after a long fight with cancer.

A memorial service is Friday, Nov. 17 at 2 p.m. MST at Peace Lutheran Church, Hazen. Per Candice’s wishes, her body was donated to science and there is no visitation.

Candice Colette Lindborg was born in Harvey on July 24, 1958, to Darlene (Dell) Schaper Lindborg and Alf Lindborg. She was baptized at Hurdsfield Lutheran Church in August 1958.

In 1963, the family moved to Sheridan, Wyo., where Candice grew up and always considered “home.” In Sheridan, she was confirmed, attended school and enjoyed camping in the Big Horn Mountains.

In 1976, they moved to Hazen, where Candice graduated from high school. In 1978, Candice married Garrett Goetz and together they raised two children, Adina Denton and Tyler Goetz.

Candice worked as a medical secretary at the Hazen Clinic, through St. Alexius for 17 years and was a medical transcriptionist for Medcenter One for five years. She retired when she became ill in July 2005.

Candice enjoyed photography, reading, writing, thunderstorms and nature in general, but most of all her family and her three miniature schnauzers.

Candice is deeply missed by her husband, Garrett, Hazen; two children, Adina (Paul Crites) Denton and Tyler Goetz, all of Bismarck; mother, Dell Thompson, Dickinson; father, Alf Lindborg, Polson, Mont.; three brothers, Randy (Cathy) Lindborg, Dickinson, Roddy Lindborg, Dickinson, and Ronny Lindborg, Grand Forks; two sisters, Tami (Doug Schmidt) Farrington, Dickinson, and Tarra (Matt) Hartl, Bismarck; many nieces and nephews whom she adored; godparents, Willie and Della Schaper, Beulah, and Vera Thompson, Hursfield, and her three dogs, Oliver, Raisin and Siggy.

Greeting Candice in heaven are her stepfather, Robert Thompson; mother-in-law, Elsie Goetz; grandparents, Peter and Selma Lindborg and Henry and Katherina Schaper, and one godfather, Norman Thompson.