Life is a gift...

Well, I have received some responses to my "coming out" about the surgery finally. Mostly very positive - wonderful. My oldest sibling asked me why I have to write such personal things in a public blog. WOW he better never come here and read it all or he will probably fall over dead from shock! HA! I guess we're just very different. He is old for one thing (HA!)! Old enough to be my father (he was 16 or 17 when I was born). Anyway, In addition to that comment, and a generally supportive note, he included this, which I thought was really worth sharing.

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HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE There was once a blind girl who hated herself for no other reason except that she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, "Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind. Not wanting to be burdened by a 'blind' person, she refused to marry him. Her loving, devoted and understanding boyfriend walked away in tears. His heart obviously broken. The girl who had been so fortunate to have the world opened up to her, continued enjoying it; day in and day out.... trying to never miss a single pleasure life had to offer. One day she received a letter from her ex-boy friend stated simply....... "I sincerely hope you enjoy your life. Your happiness was all that ever mattered to me. I am so happy that you are enjoying life as I always hoped you could. I would like to ask one parting favor of you my dear ... Just take care of my eyes." This, as sad as it may seem, is how the human brain changes when our status changes. Only a few remember what life was like before and who's always been there even in the most painful situations. Life Is A Gift

Today before you think of saying an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn't clean or sweep -
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around.

Don't take your friends and family for granted, they are blessings

Life is a gift... Live it... Enjoy it... Celebrate it... And fulfill it.

DAG NABBIT

So we hit a snag. I AM SO SO SO SAD. The surgeon's nurse called and said that the bariatric coordinator had her CANCEL the surgery for May 10th because she (BC) doesn't think we will hear back from my ins for 3 weeks or so. SO I called my ins co and they said they have received NOTHING from them!! How can they respond to NOTHING? I am so irritated. So I called back the nurse and she said that the BC said that they're waiting on the psych eval, which was done on the 16th and the guy said he would have it all ready to go THAT DAY. The ins co also said that we would hear back within SEVEN DAYS of when they receive the info. So, I lost my date on May 10th, at the soonest it could be the 17th now or maybe the 24th because AFTER approval for the surgery they are going to make me wait two weeks to do the pre-op diet, even though I already started it......... OOOOOOOOH I am so annoyed. Also throwing a baby shower for my niece on the 20th so not sure if I can have the surgery on the 17th if I even should....

Oh and to make matters worse I told THE WHOLE WORLD about my surgery two days ago. And now I don't know when it is going to be.

DAG NABBIT.

No Regrets

So I sent yesterday's blog out to my entire friends and family who probably don't read my blog. I made myself vulnerable, feeling a need to be totally honest and not have secrets. I am not sure what makes me more nervous, the fact that everyone knows or the fact that everyone knows and NO ONE has responded. I got a note from two friends and other than that it's been people I haven't met in real life. My family has not responded, my inlaws have not responded. Do they not know what to say or do they disapprove or, do they not care to be supportive? I guess I shouldn't really care. But I can't help but wonder. I got a neat email from someone today that included this quote on it, and I love it.

"Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything, you are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets."

SUMMING UP ALL THE NEWS

I have thought long and hard about writing this blog today. Because, for one thing, what if, say, one of my old boyfriends from high school reads it and finds out that, well, finds out what I am about to write? That would just be horrifying. But then I thought a little harder and realized that I am a terrible secret-keeper and I just can't do it. Besides that, what if what I have to say will help another person? You know me, advocate for saving the world. So... here goes. Putting my selfishness aside and about ready to bear all. Read on with caution!!

OK so if you know me in real life please sit down. I don't want any heart attacks. But I have news. NO I AM NOT PREGNANT, just so you know. Yeah I know that's what you're all thinking.

Well I have had a lot of health issues lately and I am sure most of you know that, especially my faithful blog readers. Hypothyroid, lesion on my thyroid, high high cholesterol, pre-diabetes (Type II), and all sorts of other stuff. A couple years ago I found the answer for me for my health issues, The New Dawn, aka IAAP (Inflammation Activation Avoidance Program). Well with the help of this program I lost some weight, felt GREAT, went off 3 medications that I had been on for mood swings (*my poor husband*), migraines, cholesterol etc.... And I also ovulated all on my own for the FIRST TIME EVER and got pg. with Charleigh (now 1 year old). Yes, that's right. My other 5 children were with the assistance of fertility drugs and/or Glucophage (taken to control PCOS). Yes I have 6 children by choice. People somehow think that is total insanity, and, well, I guess it is really, but, we wanted them and now we got them. We're pretty sure we're keeping them too. They are pretty darned cute.

ANYWAY. So, then my sister got really sick with cancer. Then my mom got really sick with cancer. Then I began a series of falling off of the New Dawn wagon over and over and gaining weight and having more health issues again. Then my sister died and basically, my health has gone to hell in a handbasket including weight, cholesterol, all that stuff. Bad. Bad. Bad. Feel like crap. Look like crap. Have a very fat ass. Don't like it one bit.

So, been trying to figure out how to get back on track and all of the sudden I realized that if I were to calculate my healthy weight, which I haven't been since I was like 16 or 17 (believe it or not even though I was skinny in high school and even my freshman year in college, I was technically at that time overweight?? WTF? But it's true). I am telling ya, my butt is VERY FLUFFY. And not nice fluffy like a soft pillow or a cloud, but like cottage cheese ass. BLECH BLECH BLECH! No sir I do not like it!

OK so back to the plan. I have very thoroughly explored all medical and natural and every other option you can imagine. I tried EVERY diet on the list they gave me at the clinic - seriously - tried every damn one! Including most recently Nutrisystem which nearly killed me because it's full of crap that causes migraines (that is a whole nother story which I can tell you all about someday if you really wanna know, and I know that right about now you think I am just some nutcase, but I am just being honest). I am sorry but I am a clairvoyant person and if this is all TOO MUCH INFO then just stop reading here and now.

SO my plan is this. I am having surgery called lapband. It is non-invasive and total reversable.I am not going to go into all the gory details of how they cut open this and add that and tighten this and remove that.... well, actually, I don't think they will be removing anything..... but back to the story....

WHY, you ask? I am on more drugs (the legal kind folks) than I have been on ever in my life. After getting OFF several drugs when I began the NEW DAWN, I am now back on a lot of them and then some more. $900 a month worth of drugs. NOT COOL. I believe that I will die if I don't get my health under control. And camping out on the couch with bon-bons crying about my sister dying is not helping matters any. OK so really I don't even know what bon-bons are but I am sure that I have about the equivilent in many things that I eat around this joint. And I know my sister is sitting in heaven cursing me for not taking better care and being a happy person, that is, if they can curse in heaven. I know that this is not what she wants for my life.

I know you will all never in a million years believe this one. I had to go through a psych evaluation for this and I PASSED! Well, the doctor said he cheated a little by passing me because I probably should have been institutionalized for depression but I told him that I am grieving and any normal person who loses someone really important to them like I have (my sister who I adore and miss with all my heart) would be depressed for a while. He can't possibly have done this pre-weight loss surgery evaluation with THAT in mind for every patient, so I deserved for him to cheat a little. And, he bought it so I am cleared there. I have a few other hoops to jump through but so far it's a go and my insurance will pay for it all and everything.

I should probably add that I have the most wonderful and supportive husband on earth, who loves me just the way I am no matter how fluffy that is, but wants me to live to be 89 years old and rocking together in our matching rocking chairs on our front porch. So, thank God for him. I forgive him for being able to eat anything he wants and still have a butt of steal and a waistline that is only 2 inches bigger than it was 15 years ago... that SOB... I love him dearly and couldn't do this without him.

So, God bless you all for reading this and please wish the best for me as I begin a journey to good health once again. I want to be alive for my husband and children in 10 and 20 and 30+ years so this is something I have to do and I am truly feeling hope that I have found the answer for me. Thank you faithful blog fans and I wish you all the very best.

Responding to my friend...

Christina said...

I am so glad that you remember me!

I do think that it would be a good idea to compose a list of not so good foods, but I wonder if it would be the same for us all?

Christina, I don't think that the bad foods would be the same for us all but I think that the chances of us all having intolerances to certain things are more likely, such as the guar gum and other "crap" that is in some foods out there. Also things like aspartame, caffeine, dairy products, you know the things that are most likely to be triggers for headaches and health problems. Some things on the list would be okay for some people but it would be interesting to know all the things that others have to avoid.

I haven't been able to update my PCOS in about four years since I left my last university, and no longer have access to it. I don't really have the time to do so anyway.

Since we last spoke in cyberspace many things have happened: I have been pregnant and miscarried twice (ectopic and blighted ovum), my house burned down five days before Christmas and my kitties died in the blaze, I finished my PhD, got a great job, and am really, really busy.

OH MY GOSH. I am so so so sorry to hear about this series of events. Except of course the good stuff! I knew you finished your PhD and had a job teaching at a university... I guess I am not sure where I read that if your site hasn't been updated in 4 years though. You should start a blog though because you have always been a wealth of info and support to women with PCOS. Again... I am so sorry that you have gone through so many awful things. You really deserve for EVERYTHING to go good and work out now I think!!!!

It is hard to believe that anything could work so well as South Beach has. I joined Curves recently and in one month (in combination with South Beach) I lost 9 lb and 17.75 inches!

I wish you the best on your trek to find the plan that works for you. I hope this continues to work for me, but you never can be sure with PCOS.

Nope, never can be sure how long something will work can we? I have heard a lot of good things about both South Beach and Curves so I hope they continue to work well for you. I am sure you have read my update. I am having lapband surgery on May 10th. I am so excited to get going on the road to better health WITHOUT fighting the appetite battle all the time. Of course, I need to work through those demons too, which I am and will continue to do, but I finally feel like there is HOPE. I felt this HOPE when I found A New Dawn, and then had so much stress going on in my life I found it really hard to stick to it. Just like anything, it's not easy, it takes willpower and work and commitment. So I fell off the wagon big time, especially since my sister died. And now I feel this HOPE again, like I have finally found the TOOLS I need to get well. I just can't hardly wait. I will definitely keep you posted. Please, keep in touch. And if you get a blog going send me your link because I will definitely be a fan!!

PLAN

OK so I am back on ambien and staying with it for a while longer. It makes me sleep about as good as I did before I ever took it but then without it now I don't sleep AT ALL, so, taking it for now is the best option for me. I have however made a decision to have lapband surgery. I am scheduled for May 10th. I then plan to combine lapband with getting 100% back on to my IAAP aka NEW DAWN eating plan and hopefully can stick with it for LIFE. I honestly believe this is my answer and I look forward to feeling wonderful and having hope in my life again. I am very, very excited!!!!! I dear friend of mine also with PCOS has done the lapband and is getting back onto her New Dawn foods and is doing very well. I am so proud of her and I hope I can follow suit.

Confession

Confession time. I have been taking ambien for nearly 3 years. I can't sleep without it. I almost can't sleep with it anymore because I am so used to it already. I tried lunesta and it did nothing for me. So my doctor told me that valium would be a good thing to try to get off of the ambien. So, I got valium. It does nothing for me. Nothing. I can take it and sit awake and be perfectly fine functioning, not tired, not sleepy. I don't get it. So I take ambien AND valium and it is about the same as when I was just taking ambien. I am so tired of not sleeping well lately and I am supposed to be taking tricor for cholesterol but that had a VERY OBVIOUS side effect of keeping me wide eyed all night long. I am about ready to go find some internet pharmacy and self medicate. I am tired of going to doctors and getting no-where. Also thinking about trying herbal stuff like vallarian root or whatever it's called. Kava kava. Something like that. Speaking of, I think I will go make some chamomile tea.

Cholesterol, thyroid stuff, and meds

Well, where do I start today. I went to my Endo last week. He is okay but, he is not my wonderful doctor that I talk about. The best doctor I have ever had for treating PCOS is my Ob/Gyn. But anyway, I went to the endo to have all my bloodwork done for the first time in a couple years. Things have definitely gotten worse for me lately!!! My cholesterol has SKY rocketed. I know it's totally my fault for failing miserably at my eating plan.... but, that's water under the bridge now. Also my thyroid has nodules on it and is borderline hypo. Hashimotos is pretty common for women with PCOS. One more thing we are at risk for! That's in addition to heart disease and diabetes! Oh Joy. Anyway, I have felt like dog poop for several months now and I am certain it's from the thyroid. They can't biopsy it because the nodules are small yet, but when I go back in 3 mos if they are bigger then I get to have a biopsy. Needle in the neck. Doesn't that sound like fun? They have to rule out the C word (cancer) and proceed with treatment for Hashimotos if that ends up being the case. So, that is in a few months from now. Back to my cholesterol. They gave me Tricor. I took my first one yesterday and honest to God I did not sleep a wink last night. Not a wink! I am so freaking exhausted today. I couldn't figure out what the problem was till I got up and read more about Tricor, only to find out that it apparently causes insomnia in some patients. NO THANKS. I honestly think I will die alot sooner from lack of sleep than I will from high cholesterol. Well, either die or kill someone that is. I am not a happy camper when I am tired. I am one of those people who really needs my sleep. So, I did not take the tricor today and I am trying to figure out what I should do about it. Try again, call and try a different med, or just get back on my IAAP plan and not take drugs for cholesterol. What to do what to do....